Types of Desire

Most people believe that sexual desire ‘hits when it hits’.

I first learned about desire types when attending a lecture by Emily Nagoski. In her book, Come As You Are, the artwork depicts one type of desire as a lightning bolt to the genitals - it just HITS and all of a sudden the person wants touch and SEX. This is called “spontaneous desire”.

Spontaneous: Desire/Arousal —> Touch/Sex

Spontaneous desire is one kind of desire, and it is a perfectly normal way to experience desire. There is, however, another kind of desire. It is called “responsive desire”. This type of desire happens when someone is not thinking about sex but then their partner kisses them or touches them and then the sexual desire kicks in. Desire for sex happens “in response” to arousal.

Responsive: Touch/Sexual Stimulus —> Arousal —> Desire for Sex

There is no wrong way to experience desire. The key is to know what your desire type is, and what your partner’s desire type is. Once you know this, you can both take practical steps to set each other up for success sexually.

I see so many couples get stuck, feeling like they or their partner should have spontaneous desire, are hard on themselves if they do not experience that, and then partners end up engaging in less sex.

Here are some additional resources on desire types:

• Emily Nagoski - Video - Female Sexuality

• Emily Nagoski - Book or Workbook - Come As You Are

• Pillow Talks - Podcast - What’s Your Desire Type?